I have found a way out and sort of help dealing with depressions and suicidal tendencies.
Perhaps my way can show those who are affected too a new direction and give them courage.

This question can be answered quickly and clearly. After the suicide of my partner I was so massively suicidal and suffered from severe depressions that I knew "either I follow this offer of my soul (as I now call and understand it) and on the one hand try to create a different memory of the deceased and help other suicidal people somehow by setting an example or giving courage ... whatever you want to call it. Or, if I don't do it, I'll be dead in a few weeks."

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Now some people will ask, "What stopped you from attempting suicide again?"
I also have a clear answer to this question: My suicide attempt was not a decision. I did not follow a plan, I was not tired of my life. I was tired of depressions and suffering from the same stories and triggers over and over again but I didn't want to die. My brain took over my desicions and it was completely clear to me that something was going completely wrong. But I could not interrupt my suicide and I could not stop it. I became a helpless actor in a cruel play with the goal to die. That finally worked out. But the few minutes of death were not enough. They could bring me back to life by reanimation.
 

After Jürgen's death, when the pain was hardly bearable, a committing suicide would have been my own decision. But I wanted what I always wanted: to live. In addition, I thought to myself again and again: "You were saved after the suicide attempt at the 28th of december in 2014, so you must not throw your life away now, who knows what is still to come".
 

If the news of Jürgen's death had reached me, alone at home, in a quiet little room, I am quite sure, however, that I would have ended my life in the heat of passion, because I believed at that moment that I was to blame for Jürgen's death. That nobody can bear the responsibility for the death of a human being and should be attributed to him, I understood only later on.
 

I hadn't dared to do it again and at the same time, the day TREES of MEMORY appeared on my mind I was close to simply having no strength left for living. I thought about suicide 20 times a day and three times I was very close. For me it was literally the last straw back into a life worth living.

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Why create a memory of the deceased??

I see it as an important task to create a positive memory of the deceased as long as suicide victims are degraded, ridiculed and criminalized with the expression self murderer in our society. As long as relatives who, after a suicide, often develop depressions and psychological problems for themselves as a direct consequence. They are blamed and abandoned by friends, relatives and acquaintances, and as long as journalists publish instructions for a successful suicide attempt in the daily press, I, as a person who is affected, I will walk, fight and argue for the dignity of victims, surviving relatives and people with depression and suicidal tendencies.

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Is self-help for depressions possible??

 

My personal life experience says yes, because if you have depression well treated, you will experience that the therapy tries to get to the bottom of the causes and that more or less drastic changes are an essential factor for recovery. To give an example: If your job or marriage makes you depressed and sick, you will have to find a new job or a new partner or you change the circumstances in your job or marriage completely. It is as simple as that. No matter which therapy, no matter which 
mood-improving pill you will take, you will not be happier if you do not find a new employer or partner. Accept that love rarely comes back if it is gone. Jobs will be not better if they are shit for a long time. I firmly believe that if the question "What to do if you are depressed" is asked, the answer is to be found in the change of life circumstances. Sometimes little and gently, sometimes quite radically.
 

Follow your heart and the voice of your soul. Go out and find your incredible self (again) and change your world. I believe this is the most effective medicine, in the combination of medication (which helped me a lot) and psychotherapy, which was important to find the causes of my depression and to understand how I function. Without my several months of in-patient treatment, I would never have known which psychological pillars form the basis of my mental and emotional health. And I am sure that with this combination, suicidal tendencies can be controlled too. Not overnight, but in the long run. Yes, this is work, very hard work. But I have found out that it helps and heals. And only through this I have learned that the key to a fulfilled life cannot come from the outside, but can be found exclusively within ourselves. And, as I and many of my interlocutors had to experience painfully, the refusal of an adequate treatment and sentences like "Oh, that has always gone well", will bring sooner or later nothing but death and suffering. 

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See where I have planted tTREES of MEMORY so far:  to the map

On my way I often meet encouragers, like Carlo von Tiedemann, who told me very openly about his ups and downs:  our talk

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